The Price of Joy

I’ve been wanting to write this for a long time now, but I wasn’t quite sure if I was ready to or what I should even write about. So I waited for it to come about on its own, in its own time and in its own way. Then, let’s be honest, I got distracted and lost all my spare time to work, and just plain forgot. But now that I’m approaching two years from having returned from my mission, I’ve started thinking about this again, and everything that I’ve learned, and I think it’s time to share it.

Going on a mission is hard. Anyone who has been on a mission can tell you that. But I think coming home from a mission is just as hard, if not more so, especially when you come home earlier than planned, for whatever reason. You worry about what others will say or how they will act around you. Will they be judgmental? Disappointed? Awkward? You worry that you’ll feel like a failure, or like you weren’t good enough or strong enough to serve the full 18 or 24 months. You wonder why you weren’t able to make it the whole time. What makes you different from every other happy RM that loved their mission, or any RM that was able to make it through the whole thing? You wonder if something is wrong with you or if you made the wrong decision to even come. Yep, I wondered all of those things.

When I made the choice to serve a mission, I was thrilled. I had never felt better about any decision. I knew it was just what the Lord wanted me to do at that time in my life. When I received my call, I was even more thrilled, and it confirmed to me that my decision was the right one. I was called to serve in the same mission my brother had been called to a year earlier. The next few months were really some of the happiest of my life. I savored every moment, knowing that my future was clear (at least for the next 18 months). I enjoyed preparing myself, serving, and being with people I loved.

Then came the MTC. There seem to be strong opinions about the MTC. People either loved it or could not wait to leave it. I was part of the former group. I had a great experience. My teachers, my district, my zone, my branch presidency were all phenomenal. I learned so much from them and I just had a lot of fun. I really wouldn’t have minded staying another few weeks. And for me, the MTC was a place full of light. I love light and the experience of feeling light, those moments when something clicks and you’re filled with understanding and can see a much bigger picture than you were seeing before. That’s one of my favorite feelings and I had a lot of those moments when I was there. There were challenges, but nothing I couldn’t get through, and they seemed so small to all the good that was happening.

Naturally, after having a great experience at the MTC, I thought the rest of my mission would follow suit. But it didn’t. I struggled with anxiety and a lot of fear and hopelessness, things that I had never experienced before, at least to the degree I was experiencing then. I started to hate being a missionary, and then I hated myself for feeling that way. Not such a great cycle to be in. My mission president tried everything he could think of to help me, from having me talk with the mission psychologist, to transferring me to the area the mission home was in, to letting me talk to my dad on the phone. Eventually I said enough and I wanted to go home. That decision was really easy to make, because I was so miserable. It wasn’t until after being home that I thought about all the questions above and struggled with those for a while.

Time though (or more specifically, the Atonement over time), as it always does, brings both healing and perspective, if you sincerely seek both, although not necessarily on your time line. I firmly believe that there is a lesson to be learned in all of life’s experiences, whether they are good or bad, and in the Lord’s time He taught me some valuable lessons that I now treasure:

1) Don’t spend your life trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations for you. God has His own expectations and plan for you. Seek those. It may not be the “normal” or “traditional” thing you had in mind. I’m not saying that “normal” or “traditional” is a bad thing. It works for the majority of people (hence “normal” and “traditional”). But if your path seems to be taking you down a not-so “normal” or “traditional” route (and you’re still seeking good, worthy things), don’t panic. Trust Him. In other words, have faith in Him who “knoweth all things from the beginning” (1 Nephi 9:6).

2) The Savior’s healing power is real. It is total and complete. It turns the bitter into sweet. It brings joy. I wouldn’t trade that knowledge for anything. It allows me to look back on every difficult, heart-breaking experience of my life and feel pure joy and the deepest of gratitude, because I know that He makes everything right again (and more often than not, better than what we hoped for in the first place). I’ve seen it and felt it. And that gives me hope going forward.

Going on a mission was the right thing to do. For whatever reason, God didn’t intend for me to stay the whole “traditional” time. He has another plan for me. I still don’t fully know why or what that plan is, although I’ve seen tiny glimpses, but I’m ok with that. What I do know is that what I’m doing now is what He wants me to be doing. He only needed me in Argentina for four months. During that time my testimony and conversion deepened. My understanding grew. I met some incredible people and I must have touched the lives He wanted me to touch. If He had needed me there longer, I believe He would have made me equal to my task. I no longer regret or wish my experience had been different. It was exactly what I needed and has now become sacred to me.

I recently read a talk by Elder Maxwell (Lest Ye Be Wearied and Faint in Your Minds) that says, “One’s life… cannot be both faith-filled and stress free…. How can you and I really expect to glide naively through life, as if to say, ‘Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art! Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy!’” The Savior didn’t become who He is in spite of the trials and challenges He faced. He became who He is because of those trials and challenges. They helped shape His perfect character, and they gave Him the ability to feel the joy He does now. I feel privileged to have been allowed a character-shaping experience. It wasn’t what I asked for. It certainly wasn’t what I wanted at the time. But God knows what He wants to make of me and He wants for me to share His joy. That joy is something I cannot comprehend without also having known grief, sorrow, pain, opposition, betrayal, and feeling forsaken. At the time it was hard. One of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through in my life. But with perspective and the Savior’s help it seems now like a small price to pay for what I gained in return.

I guess the overall message is to have faith, trust in your Savior, and be hopeful! Life will never go exactly how you plan. It won’t be pain-free or stress-free. But joy awaits you after every valley of shadow. It is what He intends for you all along.